The wound reveals the cure

By Veronika Sophia Robinson

 

 

I hadn’t intended to add my two cents’ worth to the latest “US school killing” conversation as there’s more than enough energy around it…but I find it very frustrating when so much attention is devoted to the ambulance at the bottom of the cliff: gun laws.

 

Clearly guns were used to murder those beautiful innocent children and their teachers, and the killer’s mother, but the guns are a symptom not the cause.

 

Interestingly, with all the talk of gun laws there were more guns sold in one US shop yesterday than they’d sold in twenty years. Clearly people are scared of losing their ‘right’ to have firearms. What is it though that they’re really trying to buy here? Safety.

 

People want to feel safe and protected. A gun does not do that. It’s an illusion.

 

Safety comes from knowing we’re a child of the Universe and that we have a right to be here. Where do we get such a feeling of validation from? OUR PARENTS.

 

At The Mother magazine, our ethos is based on the very real needs of an infant and child to feel SAFE. This is why we promote practices such as:

 

[] peaceful pregnancy (who wants to be terrorised in the womb by an anxious, angry mother?)

 

[] natural, spontaneous labour (who wants to be evicted from the womb before they’re ready?)

 

[] drug-free birth (who wants to start life on their journey drugged up and unable to function fully?)

 

[] gentle transition at birth (who wants to feel a knife slice their face or other part of the body {believe me, this happens}, or have metal tongs pull them out the birth canal or to be sucked out or pulled out by rough, glove-covered hands?)

 

[] lotus birth or delayed clamping. Cord blood belongs to the baby.

 

[] breastfeeding immediately after birth, and then on cue in a mother’s arms so baby can feel her heart beat, the warmth of her skin and to see her smile.

 

[] Full-term breastfeeding as befits our biological needs. Cultures which breastfeed for a minimum of 2.5 years have a very different type of people than is seen in Western culture. Review the work of James Prescott at Touch the Future for more information on this.

 

[] Baby wearing (it’s far nicer for a baby to be held in a loving person’s arms and to feel their heartbeat rather than lugged about in a pram or baby car seat)

 

[] Meeting the baby’s needs as soon as possible, but ideally before they need meeting. An in-tune parent does this instinctively because they’re in touch with the baby’s cues.

 

[] NEVER leaving your baby to cry it out. A nurtured and loved baby does not need to cry. Crying is a sign that something is SERIOUSLY wrong.

 

[] NOT giving your baby a dummy/pacifier. This leads to emotional suppression (see issue 56 of The Mother ~ out in January ~ for an article on this topic, and why it affects boys even more than girls).

 

[] Family bed (babies need to feel safe at night when they’re lying in the dark and not left in a mini-jail or in another room on their own)

 

[] Elimination communication (Or using cloth nappies, and being respectful and loving each and every single time that child’s nappy needs changing. Never leave your child in soiled or wet nappies.)

 

[] Gentle parenting (all humans feel safe, loved and nurtured when they’re spoken to with respect, kindness and care)

 

[] A constant caregiver (ideally the mother) so that the child can bond. This does not happen in early day care situations.

 

[] Gentle touch ~ the way we touch our children stays with them, cellularly, for life. Pleasure is absolutely vital for human beings to thrive. Without it, we shrink in many ways. The origins of violence begin with the absence of pleasure in infancy and early childhood.

We are born expecting to be held, loved, adored, touched, spoken to and looked at. The disappointment when those needs aren’t met means that synapses in the brain don’t light up. If they don’t light up, they’ll never have the opportunity in life to do that again.

 

[] Respecting the child’s body with natural foods, drinks and medicines from nature rather than pharmaceuticals.

 

When you read articles in The Mother magazine, it’s easy to be taken aback and feel that some concepts are too challenging. The price we pay for neglecting to bring pleasure, joy, love, nurturing touch, kind words, smiles, admiration, respect and adoration to our children is HUGE. Not everyone who is deprived in childhood is going to lash out and kill a classroom full of children. But they will act out in ways that are anti-social. It might be with hostility to their own family or by controlling their spouse so she can’t have friends or her own family in her life. It might be the way they poison the earth or sexually abuse children. It might be their single-minded focus to make money no matter what the cost. There are many ways that show a person’s dysfunction. Most of these we just live with and put it down to them having a personality flaw. But does it have to be like this?

 

Why is it so hard for people to embrace a natural, holistic and emotionally authentic way of parenting? Simple. Because when a person is deprived of such things themselves they don’t know what or where to draw on to provide a fertile and full “well of love” for their own children. It’s a vicious cycle.

 

When searching for gifts to put under the Christmas tree, look no further than your arms. Hug your children, not just because it’s Christmas or because 20 children have been killed.

 

Hug them because they need it to thrive. Tell your children every single day, many times a day, how much you love them ~ and say it from the heart. Smile, and look into their eyes. Spend time with them. Be involved in each other’s lives. Listen to their dreams. Let them talk without you judging them or dismissing their fears or dreams. Put your ego out of the way, and let the love for your children ease the pain you may have felt in childhood from not having your needs met.

 

Parenting well isn’t about a mortgage or fine clothes or a private school education or how many extra-curricular activities that your children are involved in. It’s about love, respect, compassion and care. It’s about CELEBRATING the life of your child regardless of whether you feel proud or ashamed of them or their actions.

 

Love isn’t about control or making your child like you.

 

Love is about safety. And within the arms of safety, a loving parent bestows pleasure.

 

If we want to cure the killers of the world (and the various shades of criminal activity, and the mental health issues ranging right through to long-term depression) then we need to look at the original wound. That is where we’ll find the cure. Not in man-made laws, and most certainly not in a gun shop. If we want to raise loving, kind and compassionate people, then we have to be role models of that why of being.